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Screwy News



Screwy News - Thursday November 17, 2011

Some doctors say they're seeing a rise of SLEEP TEXTING. People sending texts while they are sleeping, and not even realizing that they did it. Wow.

On Tuesday-around 3am, a 17 year old in Georgia tried to rob a house "Santa style"...by sliding down the chimney. Only he's not Santa..of course he got stuck for ten hours. Imagine that. Finally neighbors heard his screams and the cops came and he is in jail as we speak.

Job candidates with birthmarks,scars, and other facial blemishes don't do as well in Job interviews...

Starbucks is phasing out restrooms in New York...next move all of America.

A 62 year old went on a deer reduction hunt in Indiana on monday morning, and a deer KILLED him. He shot a buck from a tree, went over to check on it, and it KICKED him, lacerating his liver. He killed it with a knife, but died that afternoon from his injuries.

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Locations : GeorgiaIndianaNew York




 

Screwy News - Wednesday November 16, 2011

A drunk driver in eastern texas came upon the scene of another drunk driving accident early Sundaymorning. The guy ended up crashing his car into the Life flight helicopter that had come to help transport victims from the first crash to the hospital. When police confronted the driver and told him what he'd done, he said quote,"why was the helicopter flying so low?"

Around 1;30am on sunday, a 26year old woman in Indiana tried to drive her motorized wheelchair through a Taco Bell drive-thru. They wouldn't serve her because company policy says you have to be in a vehicle. She got mad and rammed her whell chair thru the front glass door. $1500 in damages and a visit before the judge..

Congress still insists that PIZZA IS A VEGGIE.

Thanks a lot

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Topics : Disaster_AccidentLaw_Crime
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Locations : Indiana




 

Screwy News - Tuesday November 15, 2011

Has this ever happened to you?

Yesterday , at 3:00am, in Wisconsin, a 22 year old woman FLIPPED OUT because of something that's made us all want to flip out at some point...McDonalds switching between their breakfast and regular menus. She wanted a cheeseburger, they said breakfast only, and she created such a scene that the police had to be called and remove her from the roof of her car.

A guy was flying back to boston on sunday after a vacation in Iceland, when he noticed $300 bucks in a flight attendants purse. He took it and locked himself in the bathroom. Tried to flush it cause he knew he had been caught.
He was arrested when the wheels touched down.

A 42 yearold woman of three kids in Venice Florida found she had terminal cancer and less than a year to live. So she gave her wedding ring to her unmarried sister, and asked her to TAKE HER PLACE after she died. And the sister agreed. She stepped in as a wife and mom, and married her sister's husband three monthsafter her funeral.

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Topics : Human InterestLaw_Crime
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Locations : BostonWisconsin




 

Screwy News - Monday November 14, 2011

Congrats: The IRS has ruled that your sex change surgery is tax deductible.

69 per cent of people feel like their bosses are overpaid.

Friday was November 11th,2011...or 11/11/11...And at a hospital in Mount holiday, New Jersey, a baby boy
was born at 11:11am. Meaning hew was born at 11:11 on 11/11/11 and ironically a whopping 11 pounds eleven ounces.

Too good to be true. Police traps. You'd think that criminals could figure this out eventually. Free Beer. Police sent out notices for a free case of beer...they had to arrange for delivery. 19 crooks responded and arrested.

Stop snorting bath salts. Last week a guy in Ohio..high on bath salts,broke into a family's home..but he didn't want to steal anything, he was just there to put up their Christmas decorations...and he did. Eventually, an 11 year old came home and saw him, and ran next door for help. He was arrested for burglary.

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Topics : Human InterestLaw_Crime
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Locations : New JerseyOhio




 

Screwy News - Friday November 11, 2011

In england, a county fire department was giving away free smoke detectors. But that program is now on hold after one of the smoke detectors malfunctioned...ignited....and set a woman's house on fire...not good if you ask me.

In Tennessee on tuesday, a 21 year old woman and a 32 year old man got into a fight over their relationship...he wanted a BOOTY call, she wanted something serious. And now for the twist...they're first cousins. Anyway the fight got nasty..she stabbed him with scissors. By the way, first cousin marriages and first cousin booty calls are both LEGAL in Tennessee

Last weekend, an 18yearold took abus from his home in arizona to hook up with a girl he met over the Internet....in wisconsin. When he got there, she and her friend tied him up and performed a Satanic sex ritual on him and oh yeah stabbed him 300 times. That's alittle much. Be careful when hooking up. This could be the worst e harmony date ever.

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Locations : Tennessee




 

Screwy News - Thursday November 10, 2011

According to a new survey: when rats use METH, all they want to do is have sex and do more. meth.

Those latex gloves that your doctor is using may be covered in grms. nice.

a 53 year old protester at the OCCUPY New Orleans rally was found dead in his tent on Tuesday, and he'd been dead for two days. Check on your pals every once in a while.

On Sunday night, in the Florida keys, a man walked into a Burger King to rob the place..with a sock on his hand. Yes, like a sock puppet. And the sock puppet was holding a gun. the manager told the robber she had to get a key for the register. He got nervous and split.

Quit smoking and you could save $3300 dollars a year.

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Topics : Human Interest
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Locations : Florida




 

Screwy News - Wednesday November 9, 2011

Best story in a long time winner: On saturday, a 61 year old man in Wisconsin saw two women with a blown tire on the side of the highway, so he stopped to help them change it. About a quarter-mile down the road, he had a HEART ATTACK. Turns out the lady with the flat tire was a nurse. So when they sawy him pull over they stopped, she gave hinm CPR and saved his life. Fate...it happens all the time. Hello God..thanks.

On january 1st, a couple in new York made a weight loss bet...whoever lost a lower percentage of their weight would get the other person's name tattooed on their body. They guy weighed 366 pounds. As of monday, he had lost 198 pounds...he now weighs 168. He won. She has his name on body now. Great bet.

Jill Bucco let her husband cut her hair.

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Locations : New YorkWisconsin
People : Jill Bucco




 

Screwy News - Tuesday November 8, 2011

The top signs you're getting dumped? your partner starts losing weight.

The happiest Moment of the avaerage day is when you're having sex...the happiest moment of the year is Christmas afternoon.

Girl Scout cookie flavored lip balm is now for sale.

Last week, in florida, a 21 year old man told his girlfriend he was going to OD and Kill HImSELF because she broke up with him. He grabbed a bottle of pills and started taking them. When she tried to stop him...he threw her to the ground. He was arrested for domestic abuse...and it turns out he was trying to overdose on FLINSTONES VITAMINS.
NICE.

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Screwy News - Monday November 7, 2011

11 percent of People changed their clocks the wrong direction yesterday.

There's a bar in canada with a drink containing a dude's mummified toe.

a 19 year old in New Hampshire took a wrong turn on the way home on friday at 1;30am, was flagged down by the owners of a burning house, and ended up saving their daughter trapped inside. Do you believe in Fate?

An 84 year old in Minnesota died on saturday the first day of hunting season...by accidentally setting himself on fire andfalling out of his tree stand.

an engaged couple in South Africa discovered that they were brother and sister, just days before the wedding.AWKWARD.

finally- A guy tried to rob a hotel in LA at gunpoint last wednesday...he did not relaize that there was a martial arts contest going on at the hotel....you can guess what happened to him...

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Topics : Hospitality_Recreation
Locations : LouisianaMinnesotaNew Hampshire




 

Screwy News - Friday November 4, 2011

Memphis: A guy orders a pizza from Papa Johns...has it delievered to a vacant house and tries to rob the Pizza delivery guy....not so fast....he has a gun for moments like this ....pow pow pow...three shots into the robber..He is now at the Med. Good guys 1- bad guys 0....

This is just a slight overreaction. last week, a 30 year old woman in Iowa burned down another womans house...because that woman defriended her on Facebook. Apparently they were long tome friends, got into a fight over a party invitation on facebook, that lead to the defriending...and that led to housefire.

According to a new survey, we're so damn busy that the average person forgets five things everyday. The most common things we forget are to return phone calls...to reply to emails...people's names....to send birthday cards and to listen to Kim Iverson at night. Funny.

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Screwy News - Thursday November 3, 2011

Here's a tip from uncle ron: NEVER EVER OPERATE ON YOURSELF.
A 47 year old man in Chicago was suffering severe chest pains on Monday night. He had someone call paramedics, which was a good idea. Then he got a sharp object and tried to remove his pacemaker, which wasn't a good idea.
Paramedics thought he had been stabbed. Then they realized he had done some home surgery. He died.

Early Saturday morning, in New Jersey, a 23 yearold woman was behind a thirty year old woman in a parking garage line. And the 30-year olds super short skirt was hiked up so high you could see her butt cheeks. The 23 year old reached over and pulled the skirt down. That did not go over well...a brawl broke out. all went to jail. She was just trying to help...futher proof that " no dood deed goes unpunished"

Angry Birds has been purchased 500 million times...most popular game of all time

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Locations : ChicagoNew Jersey




 

Screwy News - Tuesday November 1, 2011

Colonoscopies are horrible.

Schocking news: Being depressed and sad all the time is worse for you than being upbeat and happy. Happy people live 35 per cent longer.

One in three drivers says the biggest distraction while driving isn't the cell phone...its the kids fighting in the back seat.

Dateline: Memphis. a twenty year old woman accused of tackling another woman into a bonfire on sunday in the Kingsbury area, faces a felony charge of aggravated assault. about 4am sunday, two women began to argue in the backyard of a house near macon and north graham...april spaul reportedly tackled the other woman into a bonfire and they continued to fight...the tackled woman received several burns to her torso. No clue what started the fight by the fire at 4am in the morning.

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Screwy News - Monday October 31, 2011

17 year old girl accidentally hanged herself while trying to scare customers at a haunted house called CREEPYWORLD near St. louis. She'd only worked there for two days, and police think she climbed in a bathtub, put her head in a prop noose, lost her footing and ended up hanging herself for real. She is in critical condition.

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In Argentina, feshermen caught a THREE EYED FISH in a reservoir near a nuclear power plant. Hello.

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Steve Jobs....his sister revealed his final words upon his death. He looked at his family and said , quote,"oh wow. Oh wow. Oh wow." In a good way. And then he lost consciousness. What a story. What did he see...this gives me chills.

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last week in Florida police busted a 42 year old woman for walking around with an open container of colt 45. And when they searched her they found a Bible ...that had been hollowed out so she could store her crack pipe inside.

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Screwy News - Friday October 28, 2011

Eating junk food has been scientifically proven to cause nightmares...On our hips...Am I right girls?

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Steve jobs hated license plates for his car. So what did he do? In california you have six months to get plates for your car after you purchase it. So He would buy a new mercedes every six months to avoid getting the plates for his car. That is eccentric.

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On saturday, in Massachusetts, a 57 year old convicted sex offender went into a Rite-Aid, drunk. He proceeded to go up to a sunglasses display, which featured a life size cardboard cutout of a woman...and started kissing and fondling it...he was arrested.

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How many more families is Monopoly going to destroy/ on wednesday, a 60 year old woman in New Mexico repeatedly stabbed her 48 year old boyfriend because she thought he was cheating in Monopoly. Now she is in jail explaining to her cell mates what happened.

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Screwy News - Thursday October 27, 2011

Early sunday, a man in Georgia was FURIOUS when he ordered two TACO bELL'S NEW DOUBLE X CHALUPAS..

and they didn't  have the amount of meat he was counting on. So he called the restaurant, told them he was going to quote "redocorate the place"...then he tried to throw a homemade FIRE BOMB through the window. He missed, so there were no injuries and police are looking for this redneck.

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Early yesterday morning, a 24 year old in Colorado met a woman on CRAIGS LIST and invited her to come to his house. But when she got there around 3:00am, they guys girlfriend came home. He panicked and called the cops, pretending the craigs list woman was a BURGLAR. But the cops saw thru the mess and he was arrested.

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Ketchup is the number one condiment. Mustard number two.

Turkey sandwich number one.

two fun facts you'll never forget
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Screwy News - Wednesday October 26, 2011

On Sunday morning, a 22 year old idiot in pennsylvania was going house to house, ringing doorbells, and exposing himself when people answered. Fortunately for the people in the neighborhood, after a few houses, heinadvertantly went to the house that belonged to the local CHIEF OF POLICE. Not good. He is now in jail with several charges.

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Burge King brings all the love soon.  In Japan, Burger King is running a two week test where they're offering ALL YOU CAN EAT WHOPPERS. fOR $11 BUCKS YOU CAN EAT AS MANY WHOPPERS AS YOU WANT FOR HALF AN HOUR. Heaven....hell yeah.

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Roasty the Racoon. From Memphis. Yesterday some folks around 1985 Madison thought they could smell something funny in the air. Police come to check it out and find a guy roasting a racoon on an open fire pit. Really? Who doesn't love a little racoon roasted on an open fire pit like you're robin hood in the woods. After further investigation...cops found tons of stuff related to meth cooking. Surprise.......on the menu tonight ...how about some german shepard.

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Screwy News - Tuesday October 25, 2011

here we go: Good Batch today

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1)The Mc Rib is back at McDonALDS....YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

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2)WORLDS WORST SMELL-winner Wet Dog beats out stanky socks. I think waiters with sour tshirts should be number one. Best smell-freshly baked bread-bacon and newly washed sheets. also puppy feet and little Elliot after a bath. Baby fresh.

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3)20 percent of women would rather give up sex than facebook

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4) here's a trick to help keep vandals from messing up your car on Halloween....wax your car today. By Halloween the wax will have settled in and make it easier to wash the eggs and silly string off the car without doing paint damage.

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5) earlier this month, an 80 year old man in maine died. And when his family was going thru his storage unit, they found an unplugged freezer containing/...HUMAN REMAINS. It's believed to be his ex girlfriend that went missing back in 1983...sweet   ..thanks pop.
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Screwy News - Monday October 24, 2011

Last week in Nevada, a 35 year old was getting married to his 30 year old fiancee. And clearly, his mother did not approve....because she busted into their wedding, yelling, to try and stop it. The man responded by picing up his mother and carrying her out of the church. She ended up calling the police and he was arrested for domestic battery. He was arrested? really...how does that work.

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On Thursday night at the UCLA=Arizona game...a guy ran onto the field dressed as a referee and started streaking. It was high larious...He has been charged with FELONY criminal impersonation.....and could get up to 18 months in prision....not so funny now. is it.

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Rolling Stone magazine says the number one worst song of the 70's...tah dah....'DISCO DUCK"...BY RICK DEES

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Screwy News - Thursday October 20, 2011

The age people start to hate looking in the mirror...45.People under 24 look at the mirror ten times a day on average.

People over 45 don't like what they are seeing in the mirror....so take care of your skin and quit smoking now. Wear some sunscreen even now.

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Quick reminder: harold camping predicted the world to end on May 21st...nothing happened to my knowledge. He says it began on the 21st and will end tomorrow....so get busy getting your stuff in order today...eat a big lunch and walk out on the ticket...get a speeding ticket and tear it up in front of the officer....tell your significant other how you really feel about their cooking abilities....buy season tickets for the university of memphis football program...buy ten thousand tickets...charge it.

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An Iowa couple in their 90's died last wednesday after 72 years of marriage..They were in a car accident, made it to ICU, and died exactly one hour apart...while they were still holding hands. cool

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Screwy News - Wednesday October 19, 2011

Schools are closed in eastern Ohio today...all the animals from an exotic animal park have escaped....I'm talking bears, lions and tigers oh my....all being shot as they ravage a community. Like a horror movie only real. The owner is dead and the animals are raising hell...stay tuned.

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Three Amish guys got arrested for cutting the hair off some other Amish guys.

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A construction worker in arizona arrested for assault last week...for licking a wmonas scraped knee after she fell down
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Screwy News - Tuesday October 18, 2011

A guy in Michigan had his nine year old daughter drive him to the store cause he was DRUNK. He went to jail for child endangerment.

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Here's todays tip: when you run your car into a ditch and the cops ask how much you had to drink....don't say" two pizza's'...and while you're at it lose the heroin.

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Fire fighter catches a boy dropped from a third story window and is instantly hired by the Miami Dolphins.

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There's a guy in Vegas with a 100 pound scrotum

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Last month, a German tourist disappeared on a small, remote South Pacific island in French Polynesia. And after weeks of searching , researchers found his clothes,bones and charred flesh...cannibals. u got it..yum yum

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Screwy News - Monday October 17, 2011

I love drinking a delicious 40 ounce as much as anyone. But they're not worth this. On Thursday a 22 year old woman in New Mexico wanted her boyfriend to buy her a 40...and when he didn't she stabbed him in the arm."I want my forty"...stab stab stab...get her the forty next time.

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Last week, police in Illinois were chasing a parole violator and he ran into a cornfield to hide. So they came up with an idea to flush him out...they asked the farmer to harvest the corn and he did. He fired up the combine and drove it til mr parole came running out.

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Wash your hands...most cell phones (one out of six not really most but) have fecal matter on them. also today when you sign your credit card charge at the store with that weird little pen that is attached to the credit card thingy....just think how many nasty hands have handled that little gem this week..
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Screwy News - Friday October 14, 2011

Couple of the year award:  On Wednesday night, 1 19 yearold woman and a 20 year old man, and their two small children went to a Wal-Mart for a family shoplifting trip. But when the parents got caught stealing a cell phone...they took off....and ah forgot the kids....They came back an hour later and went to jail.

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On Tuesday in Orange County police had their hands full with a woman running naked through a Motel 6 and inhaling from a fire extinguisher...and she popped her eyes out in the bathtub. Crack is whack....I'm just saying.

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Johnny Depp says he once set his whole head on fire. fun.

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now you know. go forth and reproduce
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Screwy News - Wednesday October 12, 2011

ITS BEEN CONFIRMED!!!!!  Javier Bardem is going to be the NEW BOND "bad boy"..super excited for that....

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Chynna Phillips has been BOOTED from Dancing with the Stars...poor thing forgot a lot of her routine...it was between her and Rob Kardashian....Chynna went " bye bye"....so far RIKKI LAKE and JR MARTINEZ are the shows TOP scorers!

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Usher is coming to MEMPHIS! He will be receiving an award for all the money he's raised for Haiti and Katrina....WELCOME USHER....Just incase you wanted to go down to the Civil Rights Museum...he will be here November the 12th.

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The Kardashians are well on their way to being BILLIONAIRES....their money this year is reaching in the 100's of millions....with projections having them BILLIONAIRES by the end of 2012. Must be nice. :)
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Screwy News - Wednesday October 12, 2011

A family in Massachusetts had to call 911 after getting lost in a Halloween corn maze...when found they were 25 feet from the exit.

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A bank robber in Delaware was arrested after he panicked and fled when the teller couldn't read his messy note .

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A hunter in Montana is recovering from severe burn wounds...because he poked a dead bear with a knife, and didn't realize it was on top of live wires. ouch...

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A bank robber in Georgia held a furnace filter in front of his face, to hide it from tellers. But the security camera above him was working well and got a perfect mug shot of the dude.   please stop robbing banks. love ron
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Screwy News - Tuesday October 11, 2011

Woman runs a marathon nine months pregnant...finishes in about six hours and some change. She has a snack and some contractions and then delivers a baby. Healthy baby. I can't for the life of me...imagine...how a woman that is nine months pregnant has the ability to run a marathon....The words "you gotta be kiddin"....keep coming out of my mouth. Is this right or wrong?

It seems like it is something that you should think about....big time.

We are going to talk about this tomorrow morning.
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Screwy News - Monday October 10, 2011

A guy in New York stopped to pet a police dog...ans was arrested for marijuana possession when the dog smelled the weed  in his pocket

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A drunk driver in Minnesota was arrested when he tried to fill up his car....at a police station gas pump.

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An Egyptian man looks just like Saddam Hussein....so a group of Iraqis tried to kidnap him and force him to star in porn films. The filmmakers first offered him $330,000 to star in the movies but he refused. So last sunday they kidnapped the guy and beat him ...but panicked and let him go.

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Best story: Almost every day after work, a 26 year old woman in a suburb of New York city visits her parents in the convenience store they own. In mid September, she arrived just as a customer was refusing to pay for a $10 scratch off lottery ticket. She decided to pay her parents $10 for the ticket...and won a $3 million dollar jackpot...helloooo.

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Screwy News - Thursday October 6, 2011

Last week, a man from Tennessee was on trial for robbing a man at knife point. During a lunch break on Thursday afternoon, he left the courthouse and ROBBED  a jewelry store down the street. On Friday, he was convicted of the original robbery...and then got hit with the charges from the jewelry store. brilliant.  Only in Franklin.

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Texting and driving is even more dangerous than people thought. Using a cell phone to text more than doubled the length of a drivers reaction time. I took three seconds longer to react, which adds more than 200 feet of stopping time.   soak this up and live.

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There was a story about cheese with nails on dog playgrounds in Argentina....did you hear about it? It's hoax. One of those really weird stories that you find hard to believe. you were right. There was talk that someone was putting nails in chunk of cheese and leaving them on dog playgrounds. Dog eats cheese and dies from nail. Not true. Jill had a friend that freaked out and said"...oh my God,,,I just got back from Argentina and ate some cheese at a dog playground".

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Screwy News - Wednesday October 5, 2011

A drunk driver ran into LeAnn Rimes house . The vilent collision nearly knocked LeAnn off your husband. (bah da bing)

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In England a woman celebrated her 100th birthday. What did she want for a present?  If you said a MALE STRIPPER, you are right. He came he danced. His name was 'SCORPION." She was so happy. He danced to Maroon 5 and Lady GaGa.

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Chaz Bono lives to dance again.

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Memphis number two on the most dangerous city list. whew.  Number one was Detroit

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Lady in Georgia...gets a POWERBALL LOTTERY TICKET BY MISTAKE...She wins 25 million. The odds of winning are one in 195,249,054...She says she is going to buy a car. Ya think. Wow. Hows your day going sherlock? I hope it is filled with people telling you how to do your job.

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Screwy News - Tuesday October 4, 2011

Here we go kids:

Last week in Georgia, a 21 year old tried to rob a gas station...but clearly didn't look around before he did...Because the person standing behind him was a cop. He was arrested on the spot. Please stop being stupid.

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A 49 year old woman in Winchester, England got tired of waiting for her 89 year old adopted father to die, so she teamed up with her kids to kill him. They tried to kill him. They tried to scare him to death. Blow up his car and they beat him with bricks..all botched.  They were arrested. Police found that they'd searched "easiest way to kill an old person"

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Memphis in the news:

A super sharp bank teller spotted the man who robbed her at First South Financial on Germantown parkway. He pulled a stick up last Tuesday...she saw him at the the Bartlett Walmart the next day. he ran. The teller's husband got the tags before he drove off....He is now in jail.....way to go.....Frank Buckley....good luck at 201 Poplar.

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Screwy News - Monday October 3, 2011

Smuggling: It can be very profitable but.....smuggling 12 hummingbirds in your pants is bad. Some guy got caught doing just that....It's something to think about. 12 hummingbirds in your pants....must have been kinda busy down there. whooo-hoooo.

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Two guys in there 20's showed up at a Porshe dealership in central New Jersey last Monday. One guy said he'd won a big legal settlement and wanted to buy a $148,000 Porsche Panamera with an electronic key remote ignition system...They took a test drive and pulled the old SWITCHEROO , returning a fake key and pocketing the real one...they came back later after hours, and stole the car. Still missing today.

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There's just so much wrong with this plan....A man was on rial last week for planning to murder his ex by killing and skinning a bear...dressing up in the carcass...and mauling her to make it look like a bear attack...he eventually dropped the plan and hired a hitman...hitman goes to cops...guy goes to jail.

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enjoy the weather ron
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Screwy News - Friday September 30, 2011

Rabies on the rise: in Arkansas....beware of skunks that are "wobley'. Acting drunk. In the first place, avoid skunks. Do you need a reminder about the stinking skunk factor?

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A high school football coach got in trouble for having his players lay across graves at a nearby cemetary...telling them that those dead people would be glad to switch places  with them at any time....really inspirational. Thanks coach......My coach never really knew my name. My real name is kissmyas. Its french.

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A guy from Britian ignores signs on a beach in south africa that say "beaches closed cause of sharks"...he goes swimming anyway and is now looking for a leg. Great white's love the human snacks.

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Screwy News - Tuesday September 27, 2011

The guy that invented DORITOS has died....ashes to ashes...orange dust to orange dust..(BA DA BING)

A 23 YEAR OLD IN TEXAS ROBBED TWO GUYS OF A CASE OF KEYSTONE LIGHT AND A CASE OF BUD..BY PRETENDING HIS ASTHMA INHALER WAS A GUN.

Hitler got a speeding ticket in 1931, and blamed his look a like chauffer.

According to a new study, under stress, one out of four people will confess to something they didn't do.

A 46 year old convict in Texas was released in April after doing 26 years for stabbing a guy to death. But he couldn't handle the outside world, and how much it had changed since 1983. So he burned down a house to get an arson charge and get sent back to prison.
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Screwy News - Monday September 19, 2011

Todays Screwiest news.

UCONN fans broke the arm of the Iowa State mascot at the game on Friday. really...is that necessary?

Important Breaking news: The new edition of the EASY BAKE OVEN doesn't have a light bulb.

The World's largest Sperm bank is now turning down Redheads...because of lack of demand. sorry Carrot top

Giant snails invade Florida. Large pats of garlic butter being called for.

Obama to formally propose tax increases on the rich today. Good luck with that one.
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Screwy News - Monday September 12, 2011

The rich get richer:

25 year old Brian McCarthy won a 107 million mega millions jackpot in July, on a ticket he bought at Herndon Virginia supermarket. Last week , his secret was revealed: His father is Robert McCarthy, who earns $3.2 million a year as president of the Marriot hotels. Brian was living at home and working at a Marriot supplier when he won. Since then, he's bought a BMW, golfed in Ireland, traveled to Alaska and Quit his job. Nice plan...think about 107 million. Mercy.

On Friday night an offshoot of the hacker group Anonymous hacked into the official NBC News Twitter account and posted fake news alerts. "breaking news: Ground zero has just been attacked". not very funny hackers.

Headline: large women and married men are the most likely to go all the way on a first date.

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST

GUNS AND ROSES IS LAUNCHING A U.S. TOUR NEXT MONTH.
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Screwy News - Friday September 9, 2011

Best story of the week: (other than the weatherguy story out of Little Rock)

Dutch authorities have charged a 42 year old woman with stalking, because she allegedly called her ex boyfriend 65,000 times. I'll break it down for ya. 178 calls aday- 7.4 calls an hour- 24 hours a day. one call every 8.1 minutes.

go tigers
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Screwy News - Thursday September 8, 2011

Good news. New beer for women called"chick beer". 25 percent of all beer is consumed by women. nice

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New survey says guys are happier than women most of the time

Justin Bieber has the most Googled celebrity haircut of 2011

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In Indonesia, a guy returned home to his seven starving dogs after leaving them without food or water for two weeks....so they ate him and killed him. remember never leave your pets for two weeks without food or water. Basic fact of life.

An arkansas weatherman woke up in a hot tub with a dead guy who was wearing a dog collar,,,I predict he encounters a 95% chance of awkwardness at work today.

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Screwy News - Friday September 2, 2011

A man threw his 7 year old overboard on a scenic cruise claiming it was just "horseplay" ...looking back he says now...it was probably a bad idea....

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You'll never believe what this man found in his garden....

while digging through the dirt the other day...Wayne Sabaj of Johnsburg found 2 bags of MONEY in his garden containting more than 100,000. Being the honest man that he is...he called police monday afternoon and turned the money IN! Police are searching for fingerprints on the bags but are coming up empty handed.....fyi..if noone claims the money in a certain amount of time..he gets to keep the money....

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Joe Hutt was doing some logging work...in Colorado....when BAM....a 6 ton trailer...fell on his FOOT...yes I said 6 tons....so what does he do.....surveys the situation....then decides to cut his toes off to set himself free....wow....you gotta do whatcha gotta do....
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Screwy News - Wednesday August 31, 2011

On Friday , a man in Arkansas went for his first plane ride ever, on a small Cessna. He asked the pilot over his house so he could take photos...and spotted two men ROBBING the place. He called the cops and had the pilot follow the men as they tried to escape. They got arrested.

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How did this woman not find this suspicious? On Monday is South Carolina, a woman decided to buy an IPAD for 180 bucks....but it from two guys in a McDonalds parking lot....up rolls an Impala with no rims and well....the IPAD turned out to be a piece of wood with an apple logo.

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How to get to heaven? If you win an 80,000 dollar lottery ticket in Georgia...put it in the church collection plate and walk away. It happened and now someone has a hov lane to the big man in the sky.

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Screwy News - Monday August 28, 2011

Here we go:

The best way to keep your kids from drinking is to be warm and loving until the age of ten...then get tough.

A 77 year old farmer in Iowa was accidentally crushed in a ditch by his John Deere tractor last thursday. And according to his son, quote " this is the way he wanted to go"...ok. Not me. But I kinda understand it. Better than rotting away in a nursing home with a cruton on your chin from lunch.

A woman fishing on a minnesota lake caught the prosthetic leg of a woman who lost it swimming three years ago.

The U.S. has set a record with it's 10th billion dollar event in weather isaster spending so far this year.

Police in Sacremnto, California put out a "bait car' to nail proospective car thieves. And it was taken by.....a ten year old girl. really....ten....yes ten.  have a good day.

love ron
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Screwy news - Thursday August 25, 2011

Good news/bad news: A new study has proven that after a workout, one of the best things you can drink is a beer. The bad news: Its non-alcoholic.

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According to a writer for the "marine corp times", Marines aren't allowed to pass gas loudly in Afganistan anymore, because noisy farts offend afghans.

Arnold Schwartzenegger's first movie post scandal will start in October. The crew filming it is expected to be pregnant by November.

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Most powerful women in the world. Forbes magazines new list is out. Hillary Clinton number two- Lady GaGa number 11-oprah number 14-the ashley funiture girl number 20. Jill bucco number one.

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Screwy News - Wednesday August 24, 2011

Good news: The total number of people who are unemployed in the US of A is now bigger than the population of all but four states.

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An outfielder for the St.Lois Cardinals had to leave a game on Monday night against the Dodgers...after a moth got stuck in his ear.

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Now it's time for "things apple is worth more than"....All the child support paid last year, times ten...every home in atlanta...and ten years of silver production.

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A possible release date for the Iphone 5 has surfaced. And that date is: the minute you plop down $4oo for the Iphone 4.

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Screwy News - Tuesday August 23, 2011

New surveys:

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Your lack of sleep is costing you money. You are more accident prone. 16-60 percent of car crashes are due to lack of sleep. Truck crashes 30-40%. Get some sleep.

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Next year pay raises coming (in some businesses)  2.8 % raise coming your way. Some will receive 4.5%. Some will have reduction in their pay. The ones that have worked the hardest and the longest will reveive pay cuts cause of the economy. Thats the way it is buttercup.

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Ohio state university survey: women gain weight after they get married. Insert comment here.

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Your wife probably talks to the dog more than you.

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WARNING; THIS IS THE STORY I WOULDN'T READ ON THE AIR THIS MORNING:

This is nasty. According to an article in "New York" magazine, some New Age moms cook and eat their own placenta after giving birth. I'll have a sip of some placenta smoothie please, Oh Lord.

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Screwy News - Monday August 22, 2011

The dating site OKCUPID has released the list of the most Promiscuous cities. Southhaven did not make the list. Portland Oregon is number one. Yeah. Followed by Seattle. Eight cities all weat of the Mississippi. Doesn't surprise me. Southern folk are more reserved.

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According to ORKIN: THE FLY IS THE MOST ANNOYING BUG OUT THERE. This I kinda agree with. I hate em when you are eating watermelon. The mosquito is still my number one pest. Ants and steve conley also made the list.

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This is pretty amazing. Last week, a businessman was flying from Tampa to New Jersey. Before he took off , he jokingly tweeted to Morton's Steakhouse, asking them to meet him at the airpost with a steak. And...they did. After baggage claim, a waiter was there from Morton's with a steak, shrimp, potatoes and bread.
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Screwy News - Friday August 12, 2011

The story I wouldn't do on screwy news today? This might make you sick- so careful Jedi.

On Monday night, 23 yearold Owen Lemire Kato of Port Charlotte, Florida was at a  McDonalds in Cape Coral, florida.And he was making the other customers angry...because he wouldn't stop POPPING HIS BACK PIMPLES.

HE WAS TACKLED AND ARRESTED. Oxycontin was involved. That's a no-no.

thats all.
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Screwy News - Thursday August 11, 2011

Oh Boy: Yummy time

At this years Iowa state fair , they"re selling DEEP FRIED BUTTER ON A STICK. They take a stick on butter, put it on a stick, dip it in a cinnamon batter, deep fry it...thendrizzle more butter and icing on top. It sells for $4.

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In France, they are now selling FRESH BAKED BAGUETTES. For about a dollar fifty. You get a fresh loaf of bread.

Love this idea...anything to help gain wieght.

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A 22 year old in Florida was arrested for having a pic-nic in a walmart bathroom.

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A 44 year old woman in Utah is suing her boss for sexual harrassment after he supposedly gave her a work schedule that included , quote "mini-skirt Monday", Tube-top tuesday, Wet t-shirt wednesday,No bra thursday and Bikini top friday. Good luck with that. idiot.

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Screwy News - Tuesday August 9, 2011

THE NOID is back: Domino's pizza is bring him back. 25th anniversary of the NOID. wow that's screwy.

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*90% of the food in brown bag school lunches reaches unsafe temperatures before lunchtime.

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*Yesterday , in Manhattan, a man tried to rob an apartment. When residents called the cops, the burglar tried to do the"jump from rooftop to rooftop" move that you you see in every movie ever made. It didn't work. He fell five stories to his death. Ouch.

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There are four official lanuages in Switzerland: German,french,Italian, and romansh. OLIVIA WILDE didn't know that. She thought the spoke "swiss". Who didn't think that.

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Screwy News - Monday August 8, 2011

Best one of the day: department stores changing things up in the "changing " room.

What?  They have started changing the slats in the changing room doors. Reversing them so folks walking by can see your business. I'm heading to MaCYS right now. Question? How can I get into the ladies dressing room without being noticed?

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Road rage: 86 per cent of drivers have been a victim of road rage. One in 33 end up in physical violence. Be carefull who you flip off.

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Kid says dad loves Van more than him. A thirty year old...30. This guy got mad cause his dad loves his minivan more than the son. What does he do. He drove the van into a pond in central park on saturday. It was a 97 nissan quest. really. Ok . Kid arrested for wreckless driving and being a first degree idiot.

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Screwy News - Thursday August 4, 2011

Remember that story about Internet Explorer users having lower IQs than users of other browsers?

It was a hoax.  Thank God.

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Website of the day: babyinthebar.com  nuff said. very funny. and wrong

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A forty one year old Italian guy went to spread his younger brothers ashes on a mountain top, and was killed by lighting.

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According to a new scientific study, eating comfort food does help fight depression

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A guy in New Zealand decapitated himself with a homemade hovercraft, while he was demonstrating it for his family.

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Screwy News - Tuesday August 2, 2011

Ole Miss in the number three party school in America.  Good to know for incoming freshmen.

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On the morning of her death, Amy Winehouse reportedly bought $2000 worth of crack and heroin. Or, as Charlie Sheen calls it...BREAKFAST.

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People think drinking alone is twice as relaxing as spending time with their family.

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A man in India has a Hysterectomy after doctors find his abdominal pain is caused by a Yterus. OUch. Is he not than a she?

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Screwy News - Thursday July 28, 2011

Askmen.com survey says: 31 percent of guys would love to punch their boss in the face. 48 percent say they would love to punch a co-worker.

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Raleigh Robbery: a man accused of using a yellow "wet floor" sign during a robbery has found himself behind bars. On July 14, a man known as "rock" screamed, hollered, and demanded money from a woman at a tobacco store. He snatched her money and hit her in the the head with the "wet floor" sign. He is now at 201 poplar.

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Anthony Cardella of Milwaukee, Wisconsin, got dumped by his girlfriend and decided the best way to get her back was to play the sympathy card. So he asked a friend to shoot him three times in the back and chest, in exchange for cash and pills. But the friend only shot him once in the arm and said he was done. The story unraveled while Anthony was in the hospital, and the girl never bothered to visit.

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Tired of vacation bible school...now there's summer camp for atheists. Sweet Jesus.

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Screwy News - Wednesday July 27, 2011

The boy born in india last year with 7 fingers and 10 toes on each foot set the Guiness world record for greatest number of combined digits. Upon hearing the news he promptly gave his parents a high five plus a 2 finger tip.

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Wanna get a jump on your offensive, topical Halloween mask? A CASEY ANTHONY mask has shown up on eBay. The seller says it's rare...one of only nine made. The auction ends today at 8 central. Its up to $2000 already. good luck.

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On Sunday night in California, a 63 year old man decided he was going to perform surgery on HIMSELF..and remove his own hernia. And he tried to do it with a BUTTER KNIFE. It didn't work, believe it or not, and he was hospitalized.

He is now in stable condition. tip of the week: don't do home surgery.

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Screwy News - Tuesday July 26, 2011

In Florida over the weekend, a couple of 62 year old nudists were injured when they crashed a jet ski. A jet ski that someone had let them borrow. And ride in the nude. There isn't enought bleach in the world to make it sanitary. The woman suffered cuts and bruises...the man was airlifted out with two broken arms. Their exposed naughty bits were unharmed.

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On Saturday, in South Africa, a man suffered a major asthma attack. His family thought he had died, so they called an undertaker to come cart him off to the morgue. Twenty-one hours later the guy woke - up..found himself in a morgue refrigerator..and FREAKED OUT...doctors have checked him out and he was actually alright. The same thing happened to me at church last week.

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Memphis: trouble at Piccadilly. Erica Mathews wanted something else to drink, and apparently didn't mind cutting in line at the Piccadilly to get it sunday afternoon. That didn't set too well with customer Joe Allen, who chastised Mathews." you could say excuse me" Allen said. Mathews didn't like it and started throwing plates and food at Allen, all the while saying she had a gun. She told the man she had something else for him outside the restaurant on Elvis Presley blvd, then came back with a baseball bat. She started swing away and was arrested for disorderly conduct.

no word on whether she got her drink refilled.

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Screwy News - Monday July 25, 2011

A guy who worked in a horse stable in Colorado died two weeks after being bitten by a black widow spider on his foot.....19 times.

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A new breakfast survey determined that 70 per cent of Americans start their day with toast. And Ron and Jill on the morning radio.

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There's a kid in India with 34 fingers and toes, a new world record. Must be a fun guy to buy shoes for.

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In the Ukrane, a man wanted to propose to his girlfriend, but didn't have the money for a ring. So he decided to SELL HIS KIDNEY on the black market to raise the cash. He got about $20,000, bought a great ring...but before he could propose, his girlfriend DUMPED HIM.

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In Florida, a man decided to try to siphon gas out of a car...but instead of using a hose, his plan was to try to suck the gas out of the tank using a leaf blower..That created spark and the car exploded. Amazingly, the guy survived...but he does have serious burns on his arms. The car was completely destroyed.

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Screwy News - July 22, 2011

A Swiss pilot committed suicide on Sunday....he called his mother from the cockpit of a small plane he rented, and told her he was"droppin in". Then he flew the plane through her bedroom window. The mother happened to be in the basement at the time, and lived throught it.

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42 year old David Cross bought a used van from a local car dealer in Portsmouth,New Hampshire on Monday. But after buying it, nothing seemed to work so he took it back and they said ..."too bad". He couldn't return it. But he did...kinda...he came back at midnight and rammed it into six of the most expensive cars on the lot. He was charged with felony criminal mischief, but he says he is ok with that. so there.

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Hulk hogan says that Andre the Giant "checked his oil" back in the day during a match.....call me for details.

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Screwy News - Thursday July 21, 2011

Last year, a 27 year old Brit named Lyn Kitching found out her husband was cheating on her, and decided to get revenge. She spent the last nine months faking threats and attacks on herself, then framing the mistress. Lyn stabbed herself, threw bleach in her face and set her house on fire and got the other woman arrested four times. She finally got caught when she used her own lipstick to write a threatening note on the window....police nabbed her. And now we know why the guy had a mistress.

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Two guys in south Georgia got so high on meth Monday night, they startes hallucinating and thought someone was trying to break into the house. So they called 911...on themselves. The cops got there at 4am tuesday and the two were arrested for posession of meth etc.....

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Shocking new studies: marriages are more satisfying for both partners when wives are thinner than their husbands.

PS: don't remind your wife if she isn't

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Screwy News - Tuesday July 19, 2011

After a ten year battle with his 68 year old sister over the family home on saturday, a 58 year old in Van Meter,Iowa blew it up. then took his own life.

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This past November, we heard about 25 year old Rachelle Chapman from Knightdale, North Carolina. She was paralyzed from the chest down when her friend pushed her into the shallow end of a pool at her bacheloette party. The wedding was called off because of the injury and money issues...but it finally is gonna happen this friday. Rachelle's in a wheelchair now, but it'll be the same dress and the same fiance. And the friend who pushed her is still a bridesmaid.   What a story.  Could you pull this off?

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You probably already knew that public transportation is a germ infested cesspool. But the DIRTIEST place on a bus or train is the cloth seat.  Cloth seats are home to only slightly less bacteria than the floor, and they have 40 times more bacteria than easy to clean vinyl seats.

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Screwy News - Wednesday July 13, 2011

A guy with a gun was running from the cops in Chicago on Monday night and tried to hide in his house. But as he was entering he ran straight thru a glass door, suffered multiple lacerations, and died at the hospital. Oops.

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A guy is Washington was arrested last Friday night for breaking into his ex-girlfriends apartment and shaving her head....so she wouldn't be attractive to other men.

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The California state fair starts tomorrow, and like many state fairs, a ridiculous new food is debuting there. And it sounds horrible. The fair will feature MAGGOT MELT ..which is a grilled cheese sandwich jammed with dried maggots. That are deep fried. The fair will also featuredeep fried scorpions and cooked raccoon meat on a stick.

wow. talk about comfort food. Now you know why there are so many pot smokers in california.

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Screwy News - Thursday June 23, 2011

1) In Florida, a couple was arrested for having sex on a beach. Mainly because they made several tactical errors. They did it in broad daylight, in clear view of a restaurant where there were families eating Plus, they took forever, including at least an hour of foreplay. Both were arrested.

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2) Worst pic up line ever. An EMT in New York is accused of fondling a car crash victim...telling her she had a beautiful body while she was in the ambulance on the way to the hospital...taking down her cell number and calling and texting her over the next few days to start a relationship.

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Sad story coming next

3) A teenage gril in Illinois tried to prevent her parents from putting down the family doberman...so she and a friend kidnapped it in the family van...and drove away...tragedy struck....the friend lost control of the car, and crashed, and both the girl and the dog were killed.

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Screwy News - Wednesday June 22, 2011

This is straight out of a Wile E Coyote cartoon. In New Jersey, a woman fell asleep at the wheel and crashed into a mattress store...what luck...no word on her condition...but again, if cartoons have taught us anything it's that she made a very comfy landing.

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At a yoga festival in Colorado, a woman was using a  porta potty when she noticed something moving in the receptacle tank below. You guessed it...Turns out it was a man who liked watching folks use a porta-potty. He managed to escape. he shouldn't be hard to find...when you think about it. I know GROSS.

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If you want people tho think you're powerful....be as rude as possible every day.
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Screwy news - Tuesday June 21, 2011

Here's the nuttiest story of the day:

In North Carolina, a man held up a bank for $ 1 and let the cops catch him...so he could go to jail and get three years of free health care. He was unemployed and didn't have insurance...so he figured this was his best at getting all of his medical care. Pretty good plan.

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Whinning has been certified as the most annoying sound.

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Some say that the birth of your child is supposed to be the happiest day of your life....wrong...new survey says its vacation. vacation is right ...big time.

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Screwy News - Tuesday June 14, 2011

A woman in St Louis was just awarded 95 million in what may be the largest ever settlement in a sexaul harrassment lawsuit....because her boss smacked her in the head with ...ah well...his....ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Use your imagination here.

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In Colorado, an elderly woman robbed a Wells Fargo bank branch and her weapon of choice was...AIDS.. She told the teller she had aids and would infect her if she didn't give up some cash. The teller gave the woman an undisclosed amount...Police are still looking for her. ..PS, c'mon bank people really. Tell her to buzz off if they ain't pointing a mac at you just walk away.

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A Michigan tour bus company has had their operations suspended,because they were letting people ride in the luggage compartment underneath the bus. Question? Who or why would anyone ride in that part of the bus.

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Screwy News - Monday June 13, 2011

According to a new study, drinking red wine increases a woman's sexual appetite. Wow. That's screwy news.

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I don't think I could live in a world where our desserts turn against us. On Saturday, four people in Florida ordered banana's foster as their dessert  at a restuarant. When the server set the alcohol on fire to complete the dessert it exploded tableside....and burned all four of the costumers. Two had to be airlifted to the hospital. Jill wanted to know if the waiter got fired.

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Last week in Pennsylvanis, a puppy was home alone and somehow managed to jump on the stove , turn the knobs, and SET THE HOUSE ON FIRE. Accidentally...so they say. Fortunately firefighters got their quickly so no one got hurt. dog was fine. somehow.

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Screwy News - Friday June 10, 2011

A man accidentally texts his drug buying plan to the cops...his mom tries to take the rap for him. and now they are both locked up.

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A guy with a diaper fetish pretends to have brain damage...so an in-home nurse will change him. Really. Wow.

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In Spain, police arrested a thief who curled up in a suitcase, had a friend load him on  a  bus, then stole from other luggage. The friend would then retrieve him from the bus after the trip with the stolen stuff.

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fun stuff enjoy.
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Screwy News - Thursday June 9, 2011

Best one of the year award;

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1) On Sunday, 78 year old Salomon and his wife, 73 year old Lorenza Gasca, were at a brunch with their family in Houston Texas.. then they got in their car to drive to another relatives house about a mile away.

But they never showed up.

Finally, after several hours, their family members called the police and reprted them missing.

After three days of being missing, police finally got a hit on a license plate...524 miles away in Pensacola Florida.

They took a wrong turn and kept driving...and driving and driving.

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2) A 25 year old woman and her forty year old friend were killed in Ottawa, Canada Monday night when an oncoming car hit a 300 lb bear ...sent it flying through the air...and through their windshield. The bear was killed too.
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Screwy News - Wednesday June 8, 2011

In San Diego, a man wanted to bomb a federal courthouse...but convinced his girlfriend to buy materials and actually plant the bombs. Then, he tried to turn her in to the FBI for a reward. But they figured out he was behind the bombing. He's been convicted and is looking at 30 years.

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In California, a woman locked her keys in her car and wanted to get help.  So she decided the best way to get attention would be...to start a brush fire.  She ended up causing a half acre fire and was arrested on suspicion of arson.

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Police in Florida recently spotted a drunk driver. They saw her because she swerved around them. They saw her because she was going 20 miles under the speed limit. But mostly, they spotted her cause she was topless. She was arrested for DUI. No word on why she had her top off...ahhhh the hazords of police work.

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Screwy News - Tuesday June 7, 2011

According to a survey, about 20 per cent of women , or one in five, plan to lay out in the sun topless to get rid of those tan lines.  Well, the summer just got a little more interesting.

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This guy really should've seen this coming. In England, a man named his small boat the Titanic Two. And on one of his first trips...it sprung a major leak and sank. He abandoned ship and was able to swim to shore.

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If your commute is more than 45 minutes, you're more likely to get divorced.....start counting in your head.

fyi: highest divorce rates: bartender, a massage therapists, or a choreographer.
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Screwy news - Monday June 6, 2011

From Memphis:  Joseph Hayes was arrested late Saturday and charged with aggravated assault after things went awry at a child's birthday party.

His kid didn't get no cake. "ya'll didn't get save my kids no damna ice cream and cake"...he left and came back with a pistol in his belt and said.." I ain't scared to go to jail: just take care of my kids".

What father hasn't pulled a gun on someone serving the cake and ice cream at a birthday party? He was arrested.

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In Kentucky, a couple was arrested after they left their one year old in a car with the windows rolled up while they went into a strip club. Police came and got the kid out safely and took the parents to jail...they father complained how hot the police car was on the way to the jail. perfect. right? Lord please have mercy on us all.

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The space shuttle fights crime.  last week, as the space shuttle endeavor landed in florida around 2;33am..it made two sonic booms. Those booms woke up a 19 year old in Kissimmee florida and she looked out her window...just in time to see two guys breaking into her dads car....they were arrested. nice.
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Screwy news - Friday June 3, 2011

According to new research, there are four things that will get you bitten by mosquitoes more often: wearing dark clothing, moving around too much, drinking beer, and having a fast metabolism.

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Seven teenagers in California decided to test the $5 all you can eat pancake deal at Dennys...by staying there for 24 hours and eating 43 pancakes apiece, until the restaurant had to go out and get more batter.  If you're doing the math, that's 301 pancakes.  On behalf of haseena, pushpa, and the other street children of Mumbai, I salute you.

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Anyone got change for $80 bill? Found in Phoenix> the greediest bank robber ever! During a stickup, he told the teller to hand over "all the 20's, forties, and sixties".....nuff said.

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This can't be true: new survey says that 30 per cent of men say they will wax down below before a beach vacation.  Really.....ok

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Screwy News - May 31, 2011

A man threatens to blow up a local tv station if they keep showing "Two and a Half Men". They traced his call and now Freddy's in jail. I agree with him.  You can't phone in bomb threats.   Not cool.   Live and learn.

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Last week,49 year old Dawn Rhash of Collier County Florida was drunk on vodka and go into an argument with her roommate. things escalated, and she ended up throwing a STICK OF BUTTER at him.

It hit him in the leg.   When police arrived, their report noted that the roomate and butter on his ankle.

She was arrested for " aggravated buttering"

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Was it really worth it? A guy in Delaware shoplifted lotion and hand soap from a dollar store... he took off running... and was hit and killed by a car.

nuff said.
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Screwy news - Friday May 27, 2011

A fight betwen roommates in a trailer park in Florida led to a brawl involving cinder blocks and a machete.

In Washington, a dad grounded his 15 year old daughter and took away her cell phone... And she responded by SHOOTING him with a bow and arrow.   He is in the hospital and she is in some serious trouble.

A Florida bank refused to let a man born without arms cash his wife's check, even thought he had two forms of identification.  The reason given: he couldn't provide a thumbprint.

Joanna Kirchmeir arrived at her London home only to find her husband, Helmut,  in front of a mirror "just staring at himself, his pupils tiny."  Helmut, a newly trained hypnotist, had accidentally hypnotized himself while rehearsing a new act and had been standing like that for five hours.
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Screwy News - Thursday May 26, 2011

A 19 year old Brit fell 90 feet off his seventh floor hotel room balcony in Spain....landed on a poolside lounge chair...broke his arm and his ankle ...but lived.   Authorities think he was trying to jump from his room to the pool.  (this has never been done successfully)

Two men tried to steal a woman's purse in North Carolina, not realizing that she had 15 relatives within shouting distance. They ended up severely beaten,shot and stabbed in the street.

Brandi Rish from Memphis, is driving her Volvo down Broad Street on Monday when a squirrel dashes in front of the car.   She swerves...not good.   The car left the road, slid along a ditch and struck a driveway sending the car airborne before striking a utility pole four feet off the ground. It was like a scene out of "the dukes of hazzard".   The car was totalled. the squirrel got away. the cops said ...."next time hit the squirrel." nuff said.
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Screw News - Wednesday May 25, 2011

In Maine, a man was doing yard work with his cell phone in his pocket and kept accidentally pocket-dialing 911. Finally, police reported to his house. When they got there, they figured out he had two outstanding warrants...and he was arrested. surprise.

Bad news for Chris michaels. Rollerblading is out this summer. In the past decade, the number of people using in-line skates has dropped a ridiculous 64%...from 22 million to less than eight million.

How bad is the US economy? Companies in india are outsourcing call center jobs...to the US.
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Screwy News - Tuesday May 24, 2011

In Louisville, police caught a man shoplifting shoes by shoving them down his pants. And when they checked his phone, they found out he was running an entire operation where people would text him the shoes they wanted...and he'd steal those shoes for them. He was charged with receipt of stolen property and theft by unlawful taking. And banned for life from Rack Room.

The world didn't end saturday, and most of us celebrated sarcastically.  Unfortunately, an 18 year old kid in michigan didn't. To celebrate the Rapture not happening, he and his friends jumped into a river. But this kid was a bad swimmer and got swept away in the current. The search has been on for him since ...but he's presumed drowned.

Surprise: using too much hand sanitizer can make you test positive for alcohol! according to a new study, keeping your hands sanitized is like ...GETTING DRUNK. Researchers at the university of Florida found that people who use a lot of hand sanitizer can actually test positive for alcohol consumption in some tests...even if they have not had any beer,wine or liquor.  You just can't seem to win.
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Screwy News - Monday May 23, 2011

A 14 year old in texas was seriously injured after trying  to skateboard while holding onto a moving SUV. before you ask where his parents were....his dad was driving the SUV.

Last week, a 20 year old in florida was on a mission to, quote "score some women". But his plan was flawed, because it included STEALING BUD LIGHT to give to the women...and driving around in his Dodge Neon. When the Neon got a flat the cops tracked him down. He was arrested for retail theft.

In Ohio, a man went to rob a bank and pulled the hood from his sweatshirt up over his head to hide from cameras. In the bank, an employee told him he'd have to take off the hood or leave. and rather than just start robbing the bank, he listened to the employee, pulled down his hood...THEN robbed the bank. A clear shot of his face was caught on camera and a suspect has been identified.
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